How To Be A Disney Girl
When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up to be a member of the X-Men. By the time I was old enough to realise that this wasn’t really possible (*cough* when I was 22 *cough cough*), I realised I’d wasted a lot of time that should have been spent trying to master being a girl instead of a crime-fighting mutant.
Other females my own age had been playing with dolls and make-up and clothes for years and were way ahead of me. I was doomed.
And then I realised that things weren’t so hopeless – I had Disney movies.
Sure, I’d watched them for the songs and the sassy sidekicks, but I could remember the main girls and isn’t a Disney Princess the ultimate girl?
And so, here are my tips for anyone trying to be a real-life Disney Princess…
♥ The Family Way
Disney girls tend to be raised by their fathers or are orphans. Feel free to dispose of your parental unit or at the very least your mother. Same goes for siblings. Disney princesses tend to be only children. You can lock them away in a basement or cave, but remembering feeding times is a drag, so you should probably just kill them off to make things easier for yourself and for authenticity if you really want to commit to the part.
♥ Sing A Lot
Compose songs about everyday things. You’ll need to practice to really hone the art of spur-of-the-moment singing because it has to seem completely natural. You may want to invest in some performing arts classes as you’ll also need to be able to dance on cue as well as sing beautifully. Next time you’re on the bus start singing about what you’re doing and the people around you. Don’t worry, everyone will join in after a few bars.
♥ Inner Freak
Disney girls tend to be outsiders. You’ve got to make yourself stand out so find yourself some unusual hobbies like pole vaulting or taxidermy and practice them in front of people so they know how strange you are. Then you can start singing about how misunderstood you feel.
♥ Windows To The Soul
You simply can’t be a Disney girl unless you have terrifyingly large eyes. Those in the money can opt for surgery, but those with a dwindling bank balance need not fear – some carefully applied eyeliner and some Sellotape/staples to stretch out the skin around the eyes to enlarge them will work a treat.
Disney Princesses have serious amounts of hair. Jasmine’s hair looks like a tree trunk, Ariel has that massive, perfectly bouncy fringe and Rapunzle has hair a mile long. You’re going to need a tonne of hair extensions and many cans of hairspray. This could be expensive, so you might consider keeping your previously disposable family members alive so you can harvest their hair for a decent weave.
♥ Befriend Animals
After following the above steps, you’re now so beautiful and unique that regular people don’t want to hang around with you anymore. Find yourself some rats or a puma to be your companion and talk to them regularly. Soon you’ll be able to understand each other and you can send them on missions or make them clean your house. Other people may look at you strangely if they see you conversing with animals, but this only adds to your originality and your ‘outsider’ status. Birds and mice are pretty decent dressmakers if you want to be practical in your choice of animal friends.
♥ Fear Imperfection
One of the greatest things I learned from Disney movies is that fat and/or old and/or ugly people are always evil. You may think I’ll warn you to stay away from them, but actually you need to embrace them. Attempt to befriend them and tell everyone how misunderstood they and how you’re positive they have good hearts. They will try to kill you, but someone will save you and you’ll look even more amazing than before for believing in them. Which brings me onto my final tip:
♥ Test Your Man
You can’t fall in love with someone who can’t save you from dead-making scenarios. Use the fat/old/ugly person to your advantage. Get them to attack you and see if the guy who bursts into song with you can wield a sword. If he can, he’s a keeper, if not, well, you’ll be dead and I’m sure your actual true love will come along eventually and kiss you awake.
If you haven’t tracked down a villain by the time your prince comes along, just throw yourself in front of buses and stuff so he has plenty of opportunities to rescue you. He’ll appreciate being able to show off in front of you.
So now you’re ready to head out into the world and be the ultimate Disney girl. Just remember to take the scariest looking path in the woods and always accept food from strangers.