How to Make Your Man Feel Special
How to Make Your Man Feel Special
Men are always working hard to make us ladies feel special.
Buying us diamonds, opening doors for us, paying for our dinner, wolf whistling at us in the street, commenting about our boobs… you know, all those things that we just love.
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But us ladies, ungrateful wenches that we are, we just can’t give back can we? We just take take take, all the time.
I’ve helped you ladies out before. I gave you tips on how to help your man through the man flu, I advised you on what questions to ask if you wanted to vet a man you’ve just met.
And I think I’m good at this shit. I think I’m going to make this a thing that I do. So here are some more of my top relationship tips.
Don’t try and be all Lara Croft or some other female action hero like Buffy or whatever.
Men are strong. Girls are weak and they faint sometimes and scream a lot.
Now, someday the world is going to end. There will be lots of natural disasters and I’m presuming some monsters will come. They could be prehistoric Godzilla types, or they could be a new type of man made monster, like Sharktopus.
Either way, they’ll want to eat you. When all of this happens, the people that you love are going to be in danger. If you want to be able to save them yourself, make sure that you are single.
However, if you happen to be in a relationship, well, you’re going to have to let your man save them for you. There is nothing more emasculating to a man than a woman saving her own child from, oh lets say a burning building for example… Why, if you did that yourself can you imagine how tiny everyone would think your partner’s penis was?
So, if it happens that somebody you love is in danger, just let him handle things.
Don’t you dare try to rescue them yourself. You just wait for your man to do it, all the while watching him, with one hand maybe on the side of your face, while the other hand clutches your chest and throat area.
From time to time you could put both hands over your eyes, or your mouth. And definitely throw in a couple of screams for maximum effect, while you stare wide eyed and helpless at the scenario unfolding in front of you.
When the rescue is finished, run to your man – maybe even stumble a little bit on the way! – and embrace him as tightly as possible. Don’t let go until he forces you to, and make sure to cry a little bit.
You may be asking, “what if it’s your man who needs rescuing?” There’s no easy way to say this, but if your man is in a sticky situation, and it’s not something that can be fixed with a cup of tea or a nice plate of spuds, you’re going to have to just leave him.
Any real man would much prefer to be eaten by monsters, or swallowed up by a freak earthquake, than have their girlfriend rescue them.
Walk away, you’ll be doing him a favour.
You’ll swallow, and you’ll like it
Yeah, that’s right. All too often have I heard my friends complain about their significant others skills in the kitchen.
What you ladies don’t seem to realise is this; a man in the kitchen is a man making a real effort. Men don’t cook, it’s simply not their job (unless it is their actual job, in that case they’re way better at it than any woman) so for a man to make you a meal, to put themselves through that, just for you? You better be grateful.
What if his friends found out? Imagine the ridicule he would face. He is hazarding that shame and embarrassment for you. To do something nice, romantic even, for you. So fucking eat it.
He may do this once a week, once a month, once a year, or maybe even only once in a lifetime. He may make you beans on toast, a single hard-boiled egg, some burnt fish fingers, a cup-a-soup, or a gourmet four course meal. It may be delicious, it may be mediocre, or it may taste like actual dog poo.
No matter!
Any time he makes you food, ensure that you savour every single solitary bite you take. Every fork full that you put into your mouth, remember to make a moaning sound. Every time you swallow, say ‘yum yum’ in a slow sexy voice, and rub your tummy in an appreciative manner.
I don’t care if it tastes like otter vomit, this man has been through hell and back to put food on your plate, and you must show him how much that means to you
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