Top Fourteen Songs To Have Sex To
What constitutes good sex music? You never really come across the compilation CD for the occasion, do you? Now That’s What I Call Running is currenly well up the album charts.
Now That’s What I Call Riding? Sure you couldn’t put that on a shelf in Tesco where a Mammy might see it. And yet, there are songs for almost any kind of entanglement you might find yourself in.
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So, whether you’re bored of your mistress and one break-up bang away from never seeing her again or deeply in love with the friend who thinks you’re on the same page as them about all the fuckbuddy sex you’ve been having lately, here’s my guide to Songs to Have Sex To…
14. Muse – Starlight
Many teenage and (tragically for them) not-so-teenage girls are big fans of that Twilight thing with the vampires and the sparkling. Huge fans in fact. There’s a vampire cultural renaissance going on and dark, dangerous men are back in fashion, friend.
If you’re a bloke who likes your partners pale and emo, you could do worse than stick on some Muse when your latest date comes in ‘for tea’ and graze her neck with your teeth when you lean past her to dim the lights. She’ll swoon into your waiting arms before you’ve even had a chance to apply your pathetic body glitter.
13. Mousse T – Horny
Ah sure you’d have to, though.
12. The Beautiful South – Don’t Marry Her
Subliminal messaging for the determined mistress. The original lyric was ‘don’t marry her, fuck me’. Fact. Particularly effective if he’s currently having a bad time with his partner and is having cold feet over a commitment like moving in together or getting down on one knee.
Extra points if you manage to segue a side of slut into your supportive comments about how suffocated he must feel: “It’s a bit early to be getting down on one knee, she’s crazy! You should still be having fun, you’re only together six years. Getting down on two knees, now that’s something I could get on board with…”.
11. Vivaldi – The Four Seasons
Can’t afford that dirty weekend away you’ve been dying for? No problem, just stick Vivaldi on the CD player downstairs and allow the the strains of ‘Spring’ to float up to the boudoir and create the ambiance of a hotel lobby. Extra points if you leave yourself a note on the nightstand wishing you a pleasant stay and letting you know that if there’s anything you need, you should let you know.
10. Christy Moore – Joxer Goes to Stuttgart
To be kept on cassette tape and brought out only for the occassion of conceiving a previously unplanned child because you are drunk and Ireland have just won a football tournament.
9. Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
Serious suggestion. Presumably there is some rule somewhere that says you have to have sex while listening to this at some point in your life or you have no appreciation of a cliche. Play it, you joyless bastard.
8. The Divine Comedy – Everybody Knows
‘Everybody knows that I love you, everybody knows that I need you, everybody knows that I do… except you.’ So you’re in love with your casual sex partner and you’ve tried everything to let them know. You once burned the ear off yourself using a toasted bagel as part of a makeshift Princess Leia costume because they said they had a Star Wars fantasy.
You have masterminded a seven-step post-sex manoeuvere in which you move one limb at a time ‘in your sleep’ until you are eventually cuddling instead of lying on opposite sides of the bed with your backs to each other. You can’t take it any more. They have to know how you feel. Play this song while engaging in slow, comfortable sex. Stare them out of it. Sing along with the chorus. Try not to cry.
7. Lily Allen – Fuck You
Technically, this is the other kind of fuck you… as in saying ‘fuck you’ to nasty homophobes who don’t like the gays. However, it is genuinely good fun to play it and sing ‘fuck you, fuck you very very mucccchh’ at each other during the chorus while riding each other sideways. Probably works best if you’re a little on the tipsy side. Otherwise it’s just weird.
6. Gerry Rafferty – Baker Street
The idea here is pretty simple really. Wait for the instrumental. Pretend his penis is a saxophone. Endless lols. Dooo do do do do do do dooooo…
5. Air – Sexy Boy
Serious suggestion. If this song doesn’t make you want to wind yourself around the nearest warm-blooded male and sink your teeth into him then you actually just don’t have any sex organs.
4. Etta James – I Just Wanna Make Love To You
At no point in your life will that glistening Adonis in the Diet Coke ad not be sexy. Be the hero for once. Instigate the sex. Appear home to your layabout boyfriend in the middle of the day and shimmy around the bedroom door with a can of Coke in hand while attempting to remove an item of clothing in a sexy way but inevitably strangling yourself with your scarf. Pray you don’t end up in the midst of a Sliding Doors moment…
3. Any Irish Jig
Useful for rhythm purposes if you’re practicing natural family planning / living close to the edge / being fucking mental. If you’re into voyeurism for that extra kick, book a ceili band to come ’round to your house and set up a small staging area by the bed.
Once you realise that there’d be more safety involved in carrying a kilo of crack through customs in your left nostril, at least there’s some goatskin on hand to be used as a rudimentary condom once you wrestle the antique bodhran out of its owner’s hands.
2. Animaniacs – Nations of the World
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru… don’t play it, sing it. A good delaying tactic if you’re all ready to take off and she’s still waiting on the tarmac to board the plane. If you get any further than the second verse and she doesn’t have the decency to be a good sport and fake it, break up immediately. She is not a team player.
1. Guns ‘n’ Roses – Anything Goes
Genuine suggestion. Make sure you play the right version. There is also a song called ‘Anything Goes’ from a broadway musical. It’s not sexy. GnR? Lace up your leathers ladies, and then rip them off, the ultimate wild night soundtrack.
Well… maybe add a few more songs unless you are completely confident that your partner won’t last any longer than three minutes and thirty-six seconds. Consider ‘The Power’ by Snap and stomp around in terrifying thigh-high boots during the chorus for the ultimate dominatrix edge, or try INXS’s ‘Need You Tonight’ so you can fling your hair about a bit and add some emotion to proceedings